The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate 
asked by bones on October 31, 2006 6:50 PM
In her most affirming and life-changing book yet, Dr. Harriet Lerner teaches us how to restore love and connection with the people who matter the most. In The Dance of Connection we learn what to say (and not say) when: We need an apology, and the person who has harmed us won't apologize or be accountable. We don't know how to take a conversation to the next level when we feel desperate. We feel worn down by the other person's criticism, negativity, or irresponsible behavior. We have been rejected or cut off, and the other person won't show up for the conversation. We are struggling with staying or leaving, and we don't know our "bottom line." We are convinced that we've tried everything -- and nothing changes.
Filled with compelling personal stories and case examples, Lerner outlines bold new "voice lessons" that show us how to speak with honor and personal integrity, even when the other person behaves badly.
Whether we're dealing with a partner, parent, sister, or best friend, The Dance of Connection teaches us how to navigate our most important relationships with clarity, courage, and joyous conviction.
Reviews
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What I love about Harriet Lerner's books is that you really feel as if she has been there too. One doesn't get a sense of psychologist/therapist superiority which I find infuriating. This book is very practical and sensible - so many books with this sort of title might tell you about starting senses with "I" - you know "I feel bad when you do....." which is all very well but what about when you just lose it?? Harriet's books cut that crap and tell you how to deal with how YOU"RE feeling, not how the listener will. One of the most valuable tips I have learned anywhere was from this book. She says that one of the reasons we don't confront our mothers or older sisters or whoever is being vile to us is not to save ourselves getting upset (which is always my official excuse) but to save THEM getting upset. Enablers to the death. We feel responsible for hurting other people - shame they never do! That was real enlightenment! I'm on new book alert for Harriet Lerner!
reviewed by noreason on November 8, 2006 6:52 AM
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There is an underlying theme in this book that I think is important for every couple to consider: perhaps our expectations of our partners are too high. I've been a therapist for 25 years, and the most common problem I've encountered involves unexpressed-and often unconscious-expectations that one person has about the other. Women, I believe (and I think Dr. Lerner supports this as well), have higher expections than men. Sometimes they are so high, and so many, that there is no way not to be disappointed. What would happen if we lowered our expectations? We might, as Lerner suggests, become better listeners, and take more responsibility for fulfilling our own needs, rather than demanding that our happiness be met solely at home. Of all of Lerner's books, this is one I recommend most often to my clients. We don't need a soul-mate to be happily married, and if we lower the bar just a little, a "good enough" spouse can adequately provide the decades of richness we need.
reviewed by ozone on November 10, 2006 1:32 PM
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This book was recommended for me to read by my husband's personal therapist. He's in anger counseling, after coming back from Iraq, and I'm the one reading about six books right now.
While it was worth the read, I need MORE: More instruction, more direction. More getting to the point! Lerner goes on and on and I found myself bored with the stories. I'm reading for answers. There are so many stories and you really have to hunt for clues as to WHAT TO DO IN YOUR OWN LIFE. If you're reading a self-help book, then obviously you just may need some help now. And fishing for "what to do" isn't productive.
I just didn't like the flowy, story telling way of writing. To me, she spent a lot of time writing the history of a problematic relationship and then what the patient WANTED to achieve and then not so much as to what was needed to fix the problem for a positive outcome. Too many times I read the phrase, "we'll get to that later."
While it was worth the read, I need MORE: More instruction, more direction. More getting to the point! Lerner goes on and on and I found myself bored with the stories. I'm reading for answers. There are so many stories and you really have to hunt for clues as to WHAT TO DO IN YOUR OWN LIFE. If you're reading a self-help book, then obviously you just may need some help now. And fishing for "what to do" isn't productive.
I just didn't like the flowy, story telling way of writing. To me, she spent a lot of time writing the history of a problematic relationship and then what the patient WANTED to achieve and then not so much as to what was needed to fix the problem for a positive outcome. Too many times I read the phrase, "we'll get to that later."
reviewed by shirley49 on November 20, 2006 6:46 AM
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*****
The Dance of Connection delivers what it promises. In a beautiful conversational style, the author explores situations involving: vulnerability, romantic relationships, marriages, marriage problems, silent men/angry women, criticism, apologies, estrangement, and more. Harriet Lerner offers methods of dealing with difficulties in these areas while at the same time maintaining conncection. Especially valuable to me was how the author addressed holding the space for reconnection when you are estranged in a relationship.
The author's approach is compassionate and efficacious, and potentially could save you money spent in therapy. This book is worth every penny.
*****
The Dance of Connection delivers what it promises. In a beautiful conversational style, the author explores situations involving: vulnerability, romantic relationships, marriages, marriage problems, silent men/angry women, criticism, apologies, estrangement, and more. Harriet Lerner offers methods of dealing with difficulties in these areas while at the same time maintaining conncection. Especially valuable to me was how the author addressed holding the space for reconnection when you are estranged in a relationship.
The author's approach is compassionate and efficacious, and potentially could save you money spent in therapy. This book is worth every penny.
*****
reviewed by advisor on November 28, 2006 7:33 PM
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Looks like there are mixed reviews for this book. Well, it's all a matter of what you happen to be looking for. If you are expecting an instruction manual...if you want to learn techniques, this really isn't your book. This is more like a pleasurable essay, a well-written, good read, with some gems in terms of psychological insights that you may take with you beyond the reading of the book. Finding and/or getting clear about your voice is a theme in this book. It has the feeling of a conversation with a friend, and I find it admirable -- and I think it will be helpful to many readers -- that the author was willing and able to share her own life experiences as she did.
reviewed by localhost on November 29, 2006 3:12 PM