Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

asked by john316 on November 25, 2006 7:08 PM

Although relatively common, Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is often overlooked or misdiagnosed by therapists and clinicians and denied by those who suffer from it.

Symptoms of this tragic problem include unpredictability, violence and uncontrollable anger, deep depression and self-abuse. Parents with BPD are often unable to provide for the basic physical and emotional needs of their children. In an ironic and painful role reversal, BPD parents can actually raise children to be their caretakers. They may burden even very young children with adult responsibilities. They tend to demand unreasonable levels of emotional and material support from those least able to provide it. Plagued by irrational fears and anxieties, BPD parents often transfer feelings of self-hatred onto their children. salting the wounds inflicted by their insatiable need with constant denigration and abuse.

If you were raised by a BPD parent, your childhood was a volatile and painful time. This book, the first written specifically for children of borderline parents, offers step-by-step guidance to understanding and overcoming the lasting effects of being raised by a person suffering from this disorder. Learn what psychological criteria are necessary for a BPD diagnosis and identify the specific characteristics your parent presents. Discover specific coping strategies for dealing with issues common to children of borderline parents: low self-esteem, lack of trust, guilt, and hypersensitivity. Make the major decision whether to confront your parent about his or her condition.

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Reviews

This book was very helpful to me as an adult child of a borderline parent. It gave me validation, the secure sense that I was not going crazy through all this time of the tough experiences in this relationship with my mother. Reading the book was like I had told someone what I went through and they were talking to me about it. The exercises are very practical if you have the time to follow them. The only suggestion I would have for the authors would be a set of recommendations for how to connect with other family members who are not "target" of the BPD behavior. Another aspect that would be helpful is to how to help a sibling that is going through this challenge, overcome the difficulties a BPD parent can cause to them and how they see life. Despite these two things not being part of the book, it is still a great work, a quick read, and understanding of where the adult child of a borderline parent is coming from. Also helpful for spouses of the adult children, to better understand them.

reviewed by ibook on November 27, 2006 9:50 PM

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Not sure what was wrong with my relationship with my mother, but suspecting BPD, I read this book in 2 days. It is the only book I've read that offers practical advice for dealing with difficult people, especially the overbearing, moody, and negative parent. This book was my saving grace and I have given it to friends who also have difficult family members. I can't say enough about the positive change this book has brought, helping me create boundaries and be able to communicate effectively and respectfully. It has also helped me, as a borderline mother myself, not make the same mistakes my mother did.

reviewed by ozone on November 29, 2006 4:43 AM

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I am a 39 year old woman who has been living with confusion about my childhood all of my life. This book is exactly what I've needed, I wish I read it 20 years ago. Reading the stories of other survivors has been so healing. My feelings are normal, as far as having grown up with a mother with BPD! I can't say enough about how much this book means to me!!!

reviewed by harrypotter on November 29, 2006 4:07 PM

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As a 37-year old woman who has lived with a borderline mother since birth -- but who did not know it until recently -- this book is outstanding. When I read this book I kept saying to myself "how do they know that?", because what the authors write is exactly what happens - taking onboard all the negative self-misperceptions that result from a BPD mother's twisted idea of acceptable child raising, living with a mother who is incapable of emotional warmth and the subsequent fallout for children in terms of insecurity and the "am I going crazy?" dilemma, and the "jekyl and hyde" nature of BPD in terms of outsiders never knowing or accepting how crazy and chaotic life inside the home really is. This was a difficult book to read, yet compelling reading. For the first time in my own life I felt understood for what I suffered as a child of a BPD mother -- and that's AFTER a couple of years of therapy (which was very helpful). This book, however, is even better than therapy. It achieved in one week what therapy did not achieve in two years -- it validated my experience as real, and I realised I am not alone. There are many, many other adults who have suffered the same fate -- and survived.

If you have, or suspect you have, a BPD mother, read this book. Read it now. I'm not saying it will be easy to read, but you will not regret it.

reviewed by runaway on November 29, 2006 6:28 PM

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