I came upon this book the hard way. I was raised in a family that rarely showed emotion and never talked about feelings. Although my former girlfriend tried several times to get me to talk about my feelings, I refused to do so and told her that was silly.

After she left me, I tried unsuccessfully to win her back. That's when I realized how terrible my communication skills were. I communicated the only way I knew how, which was usually either by attacking or by being defensive. Yet amazingly, until reading "Saying What's Real," I didn't realize this. I just thought I was logical. After all, I could win any argument with her or anyone else.

This book taught me that healthy communication is not about being right or getting people to do what we want. The author, Susan Campbell, makes the case that most communication comes from the (mostly unconscious) intent to control through manipulation, trying to impress others, lying so as not to hurt another's feelings, etc. She says that, conversely, healthy communication is about, "Creating mutually beneficial solutions... and sharing what we feel and think." In other words, healthy communication is about relating, which Campbell says builds intimacy and connection.

Since I wasn't comfortable with talk about relating and sharing, I initially thought the book's advice wasn't useful to men like me. After all, what man on this planet talks about how something made him feel? However, I kept reading and eventually become convinced Campbell is right. It became obvious that had I been able to really communicate and relate to my former partner, things would have turned out differently. She once commented how we often didn't seem to "get" each other. Now I know why.

After finishing the book, I went back and took 21 pages of notes. I plan to review them on a regular basis until I completely break my old patterns and make "real communication" and relating a habit. I'll also read this book with my next girlfriend when the time is right. It may be too late to salvage my old relationship, but I'm going to make sure communication is not a problem the next time around.

It sounds cliche, but it is the truth - Susan Campbell saved our marriage. My husband and I have talked with therapists and read lots of books yet we never were able to get past certain difficulties. Using the simple, honest suggestions in this book and in "Getting Real" (also by Susan Campbell), gave us the vocabulary and tools to begin the journey of getting more connected to each other. We have learned that assumptions about the other persons feelings are very often inaccurate while being present and honest about ourselves and being OPEN to the other is almost magical when practiced by two willing partners. This is a practice....it takes time..."Saying What's Real" is a great start. I suggest reading it out loud together (and get "Getting Real" too).

I highly recommend both of these books.

What's "real" to one person may not feel the same to another. Three years ago I was having the time of my life writing to and receiving emails from a local (the 'best' in Knoxville) writer. In a way, it went to my head that someone so 'brilliant' and 'erudite' would send me such long involved epistles. Until, one day, when he'd concluded that he and I were speaking different languages. Of course, we weren't, but we were on different levels, he in the literary use of some words and I in the factual above-board definition. So, I took offense and retaliated 'in kind' which in turn caused him to accuse me of having 'moods.' Sounds familiar. It has taken me until now to realize exactly what he was referring to, as the same words meant different things to each of us, and there is an age difference to make matters worse. I now agree with his interpretation (from his stand point), but that does not make his version 'real' while mine is 'far out.'

This book shows ways to communicate verbally in easy-to-understand language, giving skills on the process to let your stressor know what he or she is doing wrong (some I can do, others I wouldn't want to -- because of Southern belief in humility and the Biblical belief not to hurt others on purpose.) Yes, he hurt me in many ways with his accusations which I felt were 'unfounded.'

To bring some kind of peace to a relationship, volatile or otherwise, here are her seven "keys" in a nutshell. Her instructions (not suggestions) are to start a conversation with "Hearing you say that, I feel..."; I want...; I have some feelings to clear." (Don't we all!) "I'm getting triggered (absurd -- how can that bring peace to any situation?); I hear you, and I have a different perspective (a woman never says that to a man she cares for!); Can we talk about how we're feeling? (Now, that is a "no-no" when it comes to men!); but I do like this one, "I appreciate you for..." Trouble is, they won't believe it when you get into a combative 'mood.'

Thoughts are worth sharing, but not demands or controls. These are things, she says, we should not do: deny pain when you're hurting (no one else can feel your pain so why bring down their day with complaints!); being nice to avoid a hassle, keeping silent to avoid conflict (I don't agree with these as no one wants damaging emotional confrontations in a situation she can't handle.) and lying to protect someone else's feelings (preposterous! sometimes it is better to tell 'little white lies.') Why hurt someone intentionally.

Mainly, you yourself must decide if it is a relationship you just can't live without. Unclear communications and unexpressed discomfort about them are a major source of stress in our lives. How often have you wasted energy worrying about what you should have said or wondering what someone really meant? Why lose sleepless nights over a minor thing. Major -- yes, it is worth some discomfort to work things out with the least damage to either participant.

Instead of saying what's real, we need to be real human beings with emotions, intellect, reasoning, bargaining power, understanding of the other's viewpoint, and "live and let live" response when it comes to fight or flight.

Having read Susan Campbell's 'Getting Real' (which is one of my top self-help books I recommend to clients) I wondered whether this book could be as good or as insightful. In fact, I think it's even better! Although reading 'Getting Real' kind of paves the way to being open to the shorter, more practical advice she gives in this new book.

Her 7 keys for mindful, present communications are excellent and easy to understand - putting them into practice may take more time, but with practice and persistence they could really make any relationship more meaningful and rewarding. I will be recommending this book to couples in conflict especially - there are some very powerful tips here that I believe could really help any troubled partnership.