"It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money." ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Once upon a time, oh, about a year ago, I was on the john with my P.J. bottoms loitering around my ankles, and minding my own "business." I had one of my Uncle John's Bathroom Readers in my lap (Uncle John and the john were just made for each other) and I was reading a page that contained a lot of funny remarks related to politics. I noticed that the several excerpts that had been penned by one P.J. O'ROURKE elicited the greatest laughs from me, so I determined to find out just who this P.J. was and where he'd been my whole life. After a little Ammyland surfing, I purchased his book, PARLIAMENT OF WHORES.

Just last week, I was on an America West flight to Northern Nevada. At the airport, after taking everything from me that one could never commandeer an airplane with, and making me remove my belt and shoes and self-respect, the powers that be somehow let me waltz onto the plane with PARLIAMENT OF WHORES - a very dangerous book. I mean, had I begun reading aloud, I could have convulsed the pilots, the flight crew, and the air marshal with laughter and taken control of Flight #522.

Instead, I read silently to myself, and laughed out loud every thirty seconds or so. This aroused the curiosity of the woman sitting next to me who asked what I was reading. I said, "Parliament Of Whores by P.J. O'Rourke" but somehow what she heard was, "Will you tell me your life story?" So she proceeded to tell me how she had gotten married at Lake Tahoe and bred dogs for a living. Or maybe it was that she earned her bread at Lake Tahoe and had married a dog. To be honest, I wasn't paying that much attention, but merely trying to nod and smile when I thought it was appropriate, and stealing another sentence or two from O'Rourke's book every time she paused between chapters in her oral autobiography. (She did offer me her little bag of pretzels, so at least I got something from her besides an earache.)

PALIAMENT OF WHORES is P.J.'s 1991 account of a journalist's inside look at politics and how it affects American Life. And trust me, it's no laughing matter, which is exactly why we must laught at it. It's laugh or go postal, but since the postal service is tied to the federal government, it's better that we laugh. P.J. says, "I have tried to present a factual - data-filled, at any rate - account of how this government works. Which is complicated by the fact that it doesn't." But if you think a journalist should instead be writing about things that are more relevant and of greater interest to most Americans, P.J. did promise in the Acknowledgments that his next book was going to be about "Madonna's Illegitimate UFO Diet To Cure AIDS And Find Elvis."

On page 103, O'Rourke confesses that he is "a real Republican" but then adds, "unlike some current presidents of the United States I could name." That unnamed "presidents" he referred to was, of course, George H. W. Bush. Now it's his equally un-Republican son, George W. Bush who occupies The White House, proving that the apple doesn't fall far from the Bush.

But don't let the fact that P.J. is a Republican dissuade you from reading PARLIAMENT OF WHORES if you happen to be a Democrat because Ol' P.J. absolutely grills EVERYONE in this laugh-out-loud book. And why not? The federal government has taken it upon itself to warn the nation that undercooked eggs and meat are unhealthy. And is raw government any better for us? It too deserves a good grilling, and P.J. is just the chef to do it!

Now, I can't say that P.J. never misses the nail's head and hits his own thumb. For example, on page 78 he states that the Supreme Court opening a session with "God save the United States and this Honorable Court" is a clear violation of the First Amendment to the Constitution. This is surprisingly sloppy reporting coming from a man who makes his living with words. The First Amendment says, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof." And that's what the Constitution, in its entirety, has to say about religion. So, when did the Supreme Court become Congress? And since when is stating, "God save the United States and this Honorable Court" the establishment of a law? (And has anybody informed God that He is now bound by law to do these things?)

On page 119, P.J. questions the wisdom of the illegality of recreational drugs. I think keeping these chemicals out of the hands (and arms, and lungs) of as many people as possible is indeed wise. The only exception being those funny smelling "cigarettes" which my buddy at work, The Great L.C., and I agree should be treated in like manner as alcohol, for they have, if anything, even less potential for harm: Put 10 guys into a room with loud music and bottles and bottles of booze, and it's sure that before the evening is over, one (or more) of those guys will get roughed up. But put the same 10 guys into the same room with the same loud music, and replace the booze with "wacky weed" and the only things that are gonna get roughed up are bags of potato chips.

But other than these rare disagreements, I found PALIAMENT OF WHORES to be wickedly accurate and whorribly humorous. Wait'll you read the suggestions the author makes for reducing federal expenditures (O'Rourke's Circumcision and Budget Liposuction), and the way he dissects the Special Interest Groups (The Original Barrel Of Monkeys That Nothing Is More Fun Than). This thing is simply a howl from one end to the other; the funniest book I've read in a very long time. Heck, one of the funniest books I've ever read at ANY time! It's "seriously funny" like Mark Twain. And I am no more ashamed to have PARLIAMENT OF WHORES standing in my bookcase between The Declaration Of Independence and The Heritage Guide To The Constitution than I am to have Twain's ROUGHING IT standing between Saloons Of The Old West and I Married Wyatt Earp. Aw, well, you know what I mean.

In the final analysis - after his study of how our government works [sic] - O'Rourke concludes that what we suspected all along is true: "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." Nevertheless, watching P.J. T.P. the U.S. is the best cry you'll ever laugh. I'll be voting P.J. for President in 2008, even though he's too smart to run... except away.

Now pj is an avowed republican and though I consider myself a libritarian (however it's spelled) many of the ideas in his book ring true.

From page 14:
"The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop."- and that's why I'm Liberatarian and also why my party is nolonger a party (atleast in North Carolina as of winter of 2005). And strangly I'm happy it's not a party anymore; what do parties do other than spout retorict while handing out pay-raises from my [our] money.

From page 26:
"I don't agree with the democrats? What's to disagree with? They believe everything. And what they don't believe, the Republicans do. Neither of them stands for anything they believe in, anyway.

And from this, weve built a great nation," - and this is why I have love for no party. Oh and also:

From page 19:
"Democrats are also the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller and get the chickweed out of you lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it. One philosophy is not necessarily and improvement on the other, but if you want the tooth fairy to come, you've got to have some teeth under your pillow."- Governemnt being the toothfairy while the teeth are our dollars. I suppose this fairy leaves programs that work in exchange for our money. Taxes are up to 30%+ for most (more than double what we left Great Britan for) some day people are going to realize that they have no teeth left and the fairy is taking a flying sht on their heads.

In the section entitled "The Three Branches of Govenment: Money, Television and Bllsht", page 72:
A day at the Whitehouse, "...the president signed the Americans with Disabilities Act. Two tousand of the disabled and their family members were invited to attend in the briolling summer heat. People in wheelchairs were yelling at the deaf to sit down and the blind were bumping the palsied with their dogs. In a crueler age some onlookers might have laughed, but we never laugh at misfortune today. In fact, we're all trying to get in on it. A White House press release claimed that forty-three million Americans 'have some form of disability.' [and that was in 1991!, when this book was published] That is one out of five people, and it can't be true unless disability to balance checkbooks is being counted. A number of other things about this legislation can't be true either. Under the new law, 'public accommodations are prohibited from discrimiation on the basis of disability in the full and equal enjoyment of goods, services, facilities, privileges, advantages or accommodations.' But people with disabilities, by definition, do not have full and equal enjoyment of goods, services, facilities and so forth. Otherwise, what disability do they have? And the bill also guarantees that there will be no discrimination in employment. Does this mean one-legged firemen [I don't necessarily agree with his use of hyperbole in argument- but it is funny]? Don't worry, the question will be equitably settled in the courts [bye bye more money, I should have been a lawyer]. Meanwhile, ill health and bad luck have been made against the law."- the handicapped that I know always want to be treated normally.

This bill should have been seen as a giant slap in the face. However, it was veiwed by the fat (yes it is a disability) the lazy (oh, my back hurts. No, I won't get a desk job or try to make money another way) and stupid (who would'a thought smoking would cause lung problems or that being an alcoholic could hamper my job skills). That is what the law did and that is who benefits the most.

In "Doing the Most Important Kind of Nothing" page 77:
"We americans are an unprincipled nation, when you come down to it. Not that we're bad or anything. It's just that it's hard for us to pay attention to abstract matters when we have so many concrete matters--cellular phones, ski boats, salad shooters, trail bikes, StairMasters, snow boards, pasta making machines, four-door sport utility wehicles, palmcorders, rollerblade skates and CD players for our cars--to occupy us. No wonder all the great intellectual concepts such as monotheism and using the zero in arithmentic come from pastoral societies where herdsmen sit around all night with nothing to do except think thing up. (Though it is a wonder more cosmologies aren't founded on scrwing sheep.)"- haha, we are a nation perpetually amused. Or in fear:

The title of one section and the quote that follows, page 107, "OUR GOVERNMENT: WHAT THE FK DO THEY DO ALL DAY AND WHY DOES IT COST SO GDDMNED MUCH MONEY?"

"The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamourous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary."- H. L. Mencken--I need to read more of his stuff (sorry I'm new to this whole thinking thing). For hobgoblins see: generic term terrorist, see Iran, see illegal immegrants, see "the poor", see Drug users and sellers, see innercity minorities, see hippies, see conservatives, see you, see me.

On that note, page 119 "If a drug-free Ameica is such a good idea, why aren't members of the House of Representatives taking drug tests? Why isn't the U.S. Senate pissing into jars on C-Span? "Get serious" is the phrase I heard a hundred time from cops, DEA men, customs agents and people living in drug-soaked neighborhoods. I'd be talking to them and thy'd just start yelling, not at me, but just yelling."-Hate to bring up good'ol Rush L. but drugs and pills taken illegally are still "illegal drugs". However, old white men don't seem to see it that way.

"Personally, I don't think all drugs-of-pleasure should be illegal. I'm not even sure if it's much use making any of them agiangst the law. But it is one more measure of our lack of seriousness that we won't dispassionatly investigate or rationly debate which drugs do what damage and whether or how much of that damage is the result of criminalization. We'd rather work ourselves into a screaming fit of puritanism and then go home and take a pill." Righ Rush? Righ mom?

Frankly, all of them are true, especially the last chaper.

YES he takes some easy pot-shots at liberals and YES THIS book is about 15 years old now - but it's funny.
IT's a bit too funny. IN FACT, while laughing out loud at some of his criticims you might wonder what's so funny.

He has a few misfires, one at the USDA's number of employees being far over that of the number of american farmers - but that shouldn't surprise anyone who knows what the USDA does - especially those of us who are entomologists!

And his idea of balancing the budget is damned near something like Pol Pot might come up with - but PJ will excuse himself - he'll be the first to tell you he doesn't know anything - and that does come across rather clearly.

JUST THE SAME READ PJ - he's very good, very witty, and very acerbic. Sort of a much smarter ... well, I'm not going to invoke those idiotic radio conservatives, most of which PJ would have no use for anyway. HE jabs just as hard at dumb republicans as he does elsewhere -- and I prefer some of his other writings - especially some of his excellent foreign journalism.

In fact, his Age Wisdom beats Youth and goodlooks (or whatever) book is great. I learned to love automobile writing from him.