Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

asked by benzdrives on November 18, 2006 8:52 AM

There is little sugar but lots of spice in journalist Rachel Simmons's brave and brilliant book that skewers the stereotype of girls as the kinder, gentler gender. Odd Girl Out begins with the premise that girls are socialized to be sweet with a double bind: they must value friendships; but they must not express the anger that might destroy them. Lacking cultural permission to acknowledge conflict, girls develop what Simmons calls "a hidden culture of silent and indirect aggression."

The author, who visited 30 schools and talked to 300 girls, catalogues chilling and heartbreaking acts of aggression, including the silent treatment, note-passing, glaring, gossiping, ganging up, fashion police, and being nice in private/mean in public. She decodes the vocabulary of these sneak attacks, explaining, for example, three ways to parse the meaning of "I'm fat."

Simmons is a gifted writer who is skilled at describing destructive patterns and prescribing clear-cut strategies for parents, teachers, and girls to resist them. "The heart of resistance is truth telling," advises Simmons. She guides readers to nurture emotional honesty in girls and to discover a language for public discussions of bullying. She offers innovative ideas for changing the dynamics of the classroom, sample dialogues for talking to daughters, and exercises for girls and their friends to explore and resolve messy feelings and conflicts head-on.

One intriguing chapter contrasts truth telling in white middle class, African-American, Latino, and working-class communities. Odd Girl Out is that rare book with the power to touch individual lives and transform the culture that constrains girls--and boys--from speaking the truth. --Barbara Mackoff

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Reviews

Very insightful book. Must read for upper grade teachers and parents. Helped me to relate to my daughter and her circle of FRIENDS in a more supportive manner. We havent expereinced the extreme bullying but the minor ex-communication from "friends" from time to time has occured. I belive reading this book, has given me information to communication with my daughter in a manner that provides her with tougher skin and the ability to not take these bumps in the road with friends too seriously. It also reminds the reader that a young girls perspective means everything to her even when it may mean very little to an adult!!!!

reviewed by faithfulone on November 26, 2006 8:21 AM

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Quite simply the definitive text on the topic. Although if parents are looking for skills and "how to" talk with your teen or pre-teen, I'd recommend Queen Bees and Wannabees. And if parents are looking for fiction to read or give to their teens, my recently released RETURNABLE GIRL tackles cliques, popularity, and what girls sometimes give up in order to fit in. A positive message prevails (I'm a social worker) and a subtle message to "TELL SOMEONE" what's going on!!!

reviewed by csean85 on November 28, 2006 8:28 PM

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My perspective is shaped by being a male middle school teacher. I think Simmons gets two-thirds of the job done. She does an excellent job of explaining how devastating girls' aggression can be, and she does an excellent job of explaining the dynamics. But she has very little to say about how to address this problem.

She tells parents to tell teachers about what is going on, and to make sure those teachers take these problems seriously. Fair enough. But that's about it.

Intervening in these sorts of problems is tricky, especially since the offending girls often try to manipulate the teacher while they are mistreating a girl. (I'm not excusing not trying.) But a teacher who missteps can exacerbate the problem. In my experience, an individual teacher's relationship with the girls, both offenders and victims, is the single biggest factor in determining how effective that teacher can be in intervening. Sad to say, none of this is discussed.

Simmons has disgnosed the disease, and explained it's pathology, but offers no cure. It's an important first step.

reviewed by james58 on November 29, 2006 3:17 AM

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add a new book!