Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain 
asked by ctj on November 11, 2006 5:27 PM
Finally, a Book for Adult Children of Divorce–
Written by an Adult Child of Divorce.
One of the hardest truths about divorce is that every split–no matter when it occurs–will have lifelong effects on the children caught in the crossfire. While most people acknowledge our pain during our parents’ parting, few of us realize that our most significant insecurities, questions, and doubts may not show up for years, when we seek our own intimate relationships as adults.
In fact, millions of adult children of divorce feel lost, displaced, or unwanted years after the ink has dried on their parents’ divorce decree. Like them, you may fear abandonment, betrayal, or failure in your own marriage. Despite outward successes, you may doubt your emotional abilities. You may notice that your parents’ divorce affects you more each year, not less. You are not alone.
Through research, interviews, and personal stories, Generation Ex will help you understand the effect of your parents’ divorce on your identity, faith, and relationships, and will give you the tools you need to create a dramatically different legacy.
INCLUDES QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION.
Written by an Adult Child of Divorce.
One of the hardest truths about divorce is that every split–no matter when it occurs–will have lifelong effects on the children caught in the crossfire. While most people acknowledge our pain during our parents’ parting, few of us realize that our most significant insecurities, questions, and doubts may not show up for years, when we seek our own intimate relationships as adults.
In fact, millions of adult children of divorce feel lost, displaced, or unwanted years after the ink has dried on their parents’ divorce decree. Like them, you may fear abandonment, betrayal, or failure in your own marriage. Despite outward successes, you may doubt your emotional abilities. You may notice that your parents’ divorce affects you more each year, not less. You are not alone.
Through research, interviews, and personal stories, Generation Ex will help you understand the effect of your parents’ divorce on your identity, faith, and relationships, and will give you the tools you need to create a dramatically different legacy.
INCLUDES QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION.
Reviews
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A poem, written when the author was 18, starts the book by describing her parents' divorce as resembling an earthquake, rumbling with rage, anger and guilt that have been festering for a long time.
This powerful poem tells you Generation Ex will be a painful ride toward much-needed healing for adult children of divorce.
The author said: When it came to love and my own adult relationships, what I wanted so desperately (love) was what I feared the most. I didn't want to repeat what my parents did.
Abbas wrote the book not to revisit "the divorce," but to give other adult children of divorce permission to admit it hurt and to give us hope so we can choose to begin to heal that hurt.
Written from the Christian perspective, the author tells the lesson God has whispered to her was that she was no longer the victim of her parents' past. She is God's precious child with a future full of promise in her relationships. And so are you! We don't always know why our God allows us to experience pain, but we can be confident that He has a plan.
This message is about deep pain that led to her healing--and by following in her guided footsteps, your healing can begin too. Some of her chapters are: Make Peace; Redefine Our Family Relationships; Find Home for Ourselves; Seek Wholeness; Learn to Trust; Anticipate Our Triggers; Create Our Own Marriage Model; and Choose to Love. The book has four appendixes of "things to do."
Armchair Interviews says: If you have felt any hurt from a parents' divorce, this book is for you. It is a gift waiting for you to open and explore, learn from and work toward healing. Her advice, resources and message are invaluable.
This powerful poem tells you Generation Ex will be a painful ride toward much-needed healing for adult children of divorce.
The author said: When it came to love and my own adult relationships, what I wanted so desperately (love) was what I feared the most. I didn't want to repeat what my parents did.
Abbas wrote the book not to revisit "the divorce," but to give other adult children of divorce permission to admit it hurt and to give us hope so we can choose to begin to heal that hurt.
Written from the Christian perspective, the author tells the lesson God has whispered to her was that she was no longer the victim of her parents' past. She is God's precious child with a future full of promise in her relationships. And so are you! We don't always know why our God allows us to experience pain, but we can be confident that He has a plan.
This message is about deep pain that led to her healing--and by following in her guided footsteps, your healing can begin too. Some of her chapters are: Make Peace; Redefine Our Family Relationships; Find Home for Ourselves; Seek Wholeness; Learn to Trust; Anticipate Our Triggers; Create Our Own Marriage Model; and Choose to Love. The book has four appendixes of "things to do."
Armchair Interviews says: If you have felt any hurt from a parents' divorce, this book is for you. It is a gift waiting for you to open and explore, learn from and work toward healing. Her advice, resources and message are invaluable.
reviewed by mattisboss on November 12, 2006 6:38 AM
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Jen just spoke at my church this morning. I have not read the book yet, though and intend on doing so shortly. Jen spoke about how she dealt with the pain and how her it is important for parents to understand that divorce is not a closed subject. It effects children for years and decades to come. She touched on the subject about how important it is for those children to see healthy marriage models as their own view may be broken and distorted. Jen was a wonderful speaker and her growth as a christian showed as she spoke about her parents divorce at the age of 6 and her parents remarriages. Definently recomended
reviewed by shakeonit on November 15, 2006 9:55 PM
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I have specialized in providing professional education and therapy to divorced, courting, and re/wedded couples since 1981. I am (a) 66, (b) a stepgrandson, stepson, and ex-stepfather and stepbrother, (c) an invited Board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, (d) a contributing editor to 'Your Stepfamily Online,' and (e) the author of six personal-growth and family-relations books.
I recommend this book to readers who want to increase their surface awareness of the typical personal impacts of parental divorce in a Christian context. I do not recommend the book for readers who want to reduce the wounds from the low-nurturance childhood that usually precedes legal or psychological parental divorce.
Like most authors focusing on divorce-prevention, recovery, and (re)marriage, Jen Abbas seems unaware of the effects of four vital factors:
1) the origin and impacts of six psychological wounds from childhood (vs. divorce). Most divorced parents and children appear to be significantly wounded - and don't (want to) know it;
2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it;
3) typical adults' unawareness of, and/or indifference to, (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, and (d) healthy 3-level grief.
In my clinical experience, these factors will combine to ptrrevent most people from following heartfelt advice such as Abbas offers her readers. For example, "learn how to trust" is a legitimate suggestion - and most children of divorce will be unable to *do* that, unless they work at harmonizing the combative, reactive parts of their personality.
For more perspective, these these articles:
http://sfhelp.org/01/innerfam1.htm
http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc-intro.htm
http://sfhelp.org/01/recovery1.htm and...
http://sfhelp.org/08/divorce.htm
I recommend this book to readers who want to increase their surface awareness of the typical personal impacts of parental divorce in a Christian context. I do not recommend the book for readers who want to reduce the wounds from the low-nurturance childhood that usually precedes legal or psychological parental divorce.
Like most authors focusing on divorce-prevention, recovery, and (re)marriage, Jen Abbas seems unaware of the effects of four vital factors:
1) the origin and impacts of six psychological wounds from childhood (vs. divorce). Most divorced parents and children appear to be significantly wounded - and don't (want to) know it;
2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it;
3) typical adults' unawareness of, and/or indifference to, (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, and (d) healthy 3-level grief.
In my clinical experience, these factors will combine to ptrrevent most people from following heartfelt advice such as Abbas offers her readers. For example, "learn how to trust" is a legitimate suggestion - and most children of divorce will be unable to *do* that, unless they work at harmonizing the combative, reactive parts of their personality.
For more perspective, these these articles:
http://sfhelp.org/01/innerfam1.htm
http://sfhelp.org/01/gwc-intro.htm
http://sfhelp.org/01/recovery1.htm and...
http://sfhelp.org/08/divorce.htm
reviewed by janmueller on November 21, 2006 10:57 PM
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I found that the most powerful parts of this book are about the author's life, including the poem about divorce Jen Abbas wrote at age 18, a letter from her father when she was six, and her heart-breaking memories of her parents' divorce and her mother's and stepdad's breakup. I read this book as a divorced parent--rather than as a child of divorce--and was touched by the author's emotional honesty. I didn't agree with some of the author's all-encompassing generalizations about how children of divorce have trouble forming relationships. However, I think this is an important book for divorced parents as well as children of divorce. Not only does Abbas provide children of divorce with a positive message about the need to move beyond past hurts and embrace the possibility of a happy future. She gives divorced parents great advice about how to treat their children: Don't lean on them emotionally, don't bad-mouth the "other" parent and don't insist your kids spend every vacation visiting all their "houses." Thanks to the author for her bravery and honesty!
reviewed by iconfess on November 24, 2006 11:30 PM