Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond 
asked by vegaswinner on November 7, 2006 3:22 PM
Using the vivid, poignant and personal stories of the members of a website support group she founded (www.depressionfallout.com), Anne Sheffield, the author of two highly acclaimed books on depression, provides an honest record of what happens to a love relationship once depression enters the picture, and offers solid advice on what the non-depressed partner can do to improve his or her own life and the relationship.
Of the millions of people who suffer from a depressive illness, few suffer in solitude. They draw the people they love - spouses, parents, children, lovers, friends - into their illness. In her first book, How You Can Survive When They're Depressed, Anne Sheffield coined the phrase 'depression fallout' to describe the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. She outlined the five stages of depression fallout (confusion, self-doubt, demoralisation, anger, and the need to escape) and explained that these reactions are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
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I wish I had read this book a long time ago, when my boyfriend's depression started. The information is pertinent and it gives tangible advice on what tp do for yourself and your depressed partner.
reviewed by bigwinner on November 27, 2006 4:47 PM
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In this book, author Anne Sheffield offers excellent support to those who are involved wiht someone who is struggling with depression. The best thing about this book is the way in which it both normalizes and validates the responses of the non-depressed partner, assuring the reader that they are not going crazy and that they are not alone in their feelings of frustration and confusion. Sheffield also provides plenty of helpful information and advice, including educational information about depression, strategies for persuading your partner to seek help, ideas on how to set limits with your partner, and guidelines for deciding whether to stay or leave.
I think that most people who are living with a depressed mate will find this book to be extremely helpful, but I did have a few minor criticisms. First of all, although this book was born out of the message boards that are a part of Sheffield's Depression Fallout web site, I felt that she relied a bit too heavily on the anecdotal information posted by online users. Secondly, Sheffield also has a tendency to rely on anecdotal information from her own experiences (she grew up with a depressed mother, and she herself suffers from depression), which results in occasional overgeneralizations. For example, she emphasizes that ALL people who are depressed are angry--not necessarily the case. Similarly, she laughingly dismisses therapists who suggest to the non-depressed partner that the problem might lie in the relationship--isn't it possible for someone to be depressed AND be legitimately unhappy with their relationship at the same time? Sheffield seems to say no. Finally, her overall attitude comes across as quite pessimistic, offering only brief glimpses of hope that perhaps the relationship can be saved.
Despite these issues, I definitely feel that this book is a worthwhile read, and as a psychologist, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to any clients in this situation.
I think that most people who are living with a depressed mate will find this book to be extremely helpful, but I did have a few minor criticisms. First of all, although this book was born out of the message boards that are a part of Sheffield's Depression Fallout web site, I felt that she relied a bit too heavily on the anecdotal information posted by online users. Secondly, Sheffield also has a tendency to rely on anecdotal information from her own experiences (she grew up with a depressed mother, and she herself suffers from depression), which results in occasional overgeneralizations. For example, she emphasizes that ALL people who are depressed are angry--not necessarily the case. Similarly, she laughingly dismisses therapists who suggest to the non-depressed partner that the problem might lie in the relationship--isn't it possible for someone to be depressed AND be legitimately unhappy with their relationship at the same time? Sheffield seems to say no. Finally, her overall attitude comes across as quite pessimistic, offering only brief glimpses of hope that perhaps the relationship can be saved.
Despite these issues, I definitely feel that this book is a worthwhile read, and as a psychologist, I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to any clients in this situation.
reviewed by bulldogs on November 29, 2006 5:11 AM
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An important book I will be immediately recommending.
I have always included the topic of the effects of depression on relationships, marriages, and families when I give talks on depression, but you seldom find the topic addressed at length. Finally, someone has given it the attention it needs.
Author Anne Sheffield, who grew up with a depressed mother and has suffered from depression herself (and who acknowledges she has inflicted that suffering onto her relationships), knows her subject and it shows.
Her knowledge has grown via the thousands of visitors to her website message board (www.depressionfallout.com) who write of their struggles and lessons from being the partner of someone depressed. A post on this message board prompted and grew into this book.
Depression Fallout helps you understand what depression looks and feels like from the sufferer's viewpoint as well as from their partner's (and their children's) perspective.
People who are depressed have similarities. They tend to devalue themselves and their relationships. They erode bonds by their self centered, pessimistic, and irritable tendencies. Their depression confuses them - one day they don't know what they feel, the next day they need you, and the following day they've decided they never loved you to begin with.
Depression fallout is what happens to you if you're on the receiving end of this illness. You probably move through stages of confusion, self-blame, demoralization, resentment, and a longing to be free of your partner and their depression.
If this is you, please read the book. You'll find stories to bolster your sagging self esteem and you'll learn ways to handle your communication with your partner. There's an excellent section on psychotherapy and medication (her section on meds includes some very specific and up-to-date info).
Once you've read the book, get into counseling if you're not already.
Finally, go check out the posts on her message board (www.depressionfallout.com) for some friendly support and understanding. You'll even find a few laughs - click on the postings of jokes, there are some good ones!
I have always included the topic of the effects of depression on relationships, marriages, and families when I give talks on depression, but you seldom find the topic addressed at length. Finally, someone has given it the attention it needs.
Author Anne Sheffield, who grew up with a depressed mother and has suffered from depression herself (and who acknowledges she has inflicted that suffering onto her relationships), knows her subject and it shows.
Her knowledge has grown via the thousands of visitors to her website message board (www.depressionfallout.com) who write of their struggles and lessons from being the partner of someone depressed. A post on this message board prompted and grew into this book.
Depression Fallout helps you understand what depression looks and feels like from the sufferer's viewpoint as well as from their partner's (and their children's) perspective.
People who are depressed have similarities. They tend to devalue themselves and their relationships. They erode bonds by their self centered, pessimistic, and irritable tendencies. Their depression confuses them - one day they don't know what they feel, the next day they need you, and the following day they've decided they never loved you to begin with.
Depression fallout is what happens to you if you're on the receiving end of this illness. You probably move through stages of confusion, self-blame, demoralization, resentment, and a longing to be free of your partner and their depression.
If this is you, please read the book. You'll find stories to bolster your sagging self esteem and you'll learn ways to handle your communication with your partner. There's an excellent section on psychotherapy and medication (her section on meds includes some very specific and up-to-date info).
Once you've read the book, get into counseling if you're not already.
Finally, go check out the posts on her message board (www.depressionfallout.com) for some friendly support and understanding. You'll even find a few laughs - click on the postings of jokes, there are some good ones!
reviewed by smiling on November 29, 2006 12:45 PM
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When my wife relapsed into depression, I knew what it was because of our previous experience. But I was surprised at how unprepared I was to respond to her. I found myself sinking into my own depression.
When I went to a psychologist to get advice on how to draw her out and get her to a doctor, I found little help. All his "exercises" for dealing with depression were aimed at working WITH the depressed person, AFTER they recognize their need for help. But he offered little help in the process of convincing the depressed spouse that they have a problem and need to see a doctor in the first place.
This book was a breath of fresh air. It helped me understand what is going on inside my wife's head, and why she reacts to me the way she does. It also helped me to understand how I can gently nudge her in the direction of getting help.
My biggest disappointment with this book is its cavalier attitude towards marriage. Marriage is treated as nothing more than a live-in relationship with some extra legal paperwork involved. The decision to "leave" or "stay" with your depressed spouse is treated as an abstract decision. If you are committed to your marriage, you should skip the chapters that deal with "mending or breaking" the bond.
When I went to a psychologist to get advice on how to draw her out and get her to a doctor, I found little help. All his "exercises" for dealing with depression were aimed at working WITH the depressed person, AFTER they recognize their need for help. But he offered little help in the process of convincing the depressed spouse that they have a problem and need to see a doctor in the first place.
This book was a breath of fresh air. It helped me understand what is going on inside my wife's head, and why she reacts to me the way she does. It also helped me to understand how I can gently nudge her in the direction of getting help.
My biggest disappointment with this book is its cavalier attitude towards marriage. Marriage is treated as nothing more than a live-in relationship with some extra legal paperwork involved. The decision to "leave" or "stay" with your depressed spouse is treated as an abstract decision. If you are committed to your marriage, you should skip the chapters that deal with "mending or breaking" the bond.
reviewed by borat on November 29, 2006 1:11 PM
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This book was very helpful in guiding me with how to deal with my depressed husband. There is a new therapy approved by the FDA in August of 2005: vagus nerve stimulation. I read the book "out of the Black Hole: The Patient's Guide to Vagus Nerve Stimulation and Depression":. The author's depression was practically identical to my husband's. I hope and pray that this new treatment will save our marriage.
reviewed by potato on November 29, 2006 4:12 PM