I read this book, as well as 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum (which I thought was very good). The author of Coming apart seems to approach relationships from a neo-Freudian perspective, which is not all bad, but somewhat narrow. I think we do bring unmet needs and unresolved issues to our intimate relationships, but not all of these are due to our parents--they may be due to other, prior relationships. My point is, not all the examples and scenarios in this book will apply to many people. Little is said about the effect of these relationships on the partner's children, which is a factor to consider. This book may help you in retrospect pigeonhole why you chose a mate or needed to leave a relationship, but it is pretty superficial and you would do well to seek out some other books on the topic.

The author's essential point is that relationships are part of the journey to develop one's emotional self, whether we know it or not. But problems can arise when one or both of the partners, in essence, move beyond the initial dependency. The theme is rather unnerving in that one might conclude that it is inevitable that most marriages/relationships will fail.

The author covers the signs of a relationship ending: fights, irreconcilable differences, boredom, emotional distance, and affairs. The stages of ending a relationship from "I Can't Believe This is Happening to Me," through anger and placing blame, to some form of acceptance are discussed.

Despite its one-sidedness, the book is a legitimate and insightful examination of relationships and their ending.

I think each new relationship would benefit so much if all parties were to read this before going IN! Kingma challenges us to look at the myth that relationships "should last forever" --and consequently why our self-esteem takes such a beating when they actually don't! (Surprise!) Her basic premise is that relationships are a series of processes by which we complete developmental tasks in our life journey of self-discovery/creation. Case studies illustrate how this plays out in the various ways.

From reading this book, I gained much comfort and understanding about my present-coming-apart-relationship. Although I initiated it, I was feeling much pain. The clarity that I gained--about why we choose the partners we do--helped to stop the angst. Such gems of simple yet profound wisdom: "Love...does not conquer all. Real love, enduring love...is the quiet recognition and ongoing appreciation of another person, the experience of continually sharing what is important to you."

The chapters on pampering yourself, and the rituals for completion are absolutely valuable!

I feel heartened and strengthened by her words in the chapter "Is there Love After Love?": "Eventually we all get to the place where--except for fine-tunings and refinements-we have learned pretty much who we are. We have sorted out our preferences from the vast number of possibilities we all have as human beings, and we know what we want to spend our lives doing..."

"...You will love and have a happy life with the person whose looks, nature, habits, preferences, values and priorities call forth the truest expression of yourself, the person who invites you to blossom and grow."

This book is kind of a condensed version of the "Future of Love" which I also highly recommend. (I bought several copies of each of these to share with friends.)