Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love 
asked by fusionz on November 12, 2006 4:17 PM
The struggle to understand the infant-parent bond ranks as one of the great quests of modern psychology, one that touches us deeply because it holds so many clues to how we become who we are. How are our personalities formed? How do our early struggles with our parents reappear in the way we relate to others as adults? Why do we repeat with our own children--seemingly against our will--the very behaviors we most disliked about our parents? In Becoming Attached, psychologist and noted journalist Robert Karen offers fresh insight into some of the most fundamental and fascinating questions of emotional life. Karen begins by tracing the history of attachment theory through the controversial work of John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, and Mary Ainsworth, an American developmental psychologist, who together launched a revolution in child psychology. Karen tells about their personal and professional struggles, their groundbreaking discoveries, and the recent flowering of attachment theory research in universities all over the world, making it one of the century's most enduring ideas in developmental psychology. In a world of working parents and makeshift day care, the need to assess the impact of parenting styles and the bond between child and caregiver is more urgent than ever. Karen addresses such issues as: What do children need to feel that the world is a positive place and that they have value? Is day care harmful for children under one year? What experiences in infancy will enable a person to develop healthy relationships as an adult?, and he demonstrates how different approaches to mothering are associated with specific infant behaviors, such as clinginess, avoidance, or secure exploration. He shows how these patterns become ingrained and how they reveal themselves at age two, in the preschool years, in middle childhood, and in adulthood. And, with thought-provoking insights, he gives us a new understanding of how negative patterns and insecure attachment can be changed and resolved throughout a person's life. The infant is in many ways a great mystery to us. Every one of us has been one; many of us have lived with or raised them. Becoming Attached is not just a voyage of discovery in child emotional development and its pertinence to adult life but a voyage of personal discovery as well, for it is impossible to read this book without reflecting on one's own life as a child, a parent, and an intimate partner in love or marriage.
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This review probably won't do this book justice. I'm analytical, Master's Degree in Statistics kind of guy, yea, stoic. Psychology. Yea that stuff is for quacks. In graduate school I worked with enough of them trying to squeeze any interpretation out of their "data".
So I have one of those life altering experiences. I go to Iraq as a reservist, spend sixteen months away from my wife and job, come back to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know if she can. PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression all in one. But other than the PTSD symptoms, all of the other things have constantly been in my life working mysteriously in the background.
I go to a shrink as my marriage has fallen apart and I have no one to talk to and she brings up Attachment. I have never heard of it, so the scientist in me wants to learn anything and everything before our next meeting. I next day this book and begin reading "my life away" online and in the book. Or more apropriately "reading my life back." I'm fitting into this mold that is everything I don't want to be, but am and jealous of the mold that is everything that I am not, I'm being divorced by a woman that has been hardening my mold for the last 5 years. This book altered my perspective on so many things. I identified with so many others. It gave me a framework and definitions for defense mechanisims like (passive agressiveness and sublimation), a way to look at my childhood, and although the odds are against me being Ambivalently Attached and seeking Secure Attachment, I can now somewhat accurately "self-reflect" on my life experiences.
I won't lie, reading the history was kind of drab (I read math books for a living that isn't much more exciting), but I can't say pick up this book and start with chapter 7 or something like that. The history gives you a working perspective, something like "at least that didn't happen to me" but then it starts to come into more practicable situations and you start to piece how you fit into the reading. Taking and owning what is yours and totally psychoanalyzing your friends and in my case the divorcing spouse.
The chapter that "WOW"d me the most was Chapter 26 Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. After I was able to piece the picture together of my life and what extent of the symptoms and other things in my life that have related to the entire book thus far. This chapter has given me some hope. Some hope of finding out who I really am and exploring my sloshing bucket of memories for what decisions I have made and what decisions I am making by trying X+Y=Z over and over again instead of tring something like B/Q=A.
This review still does not do this book justice, but I'll put it out there, but it is what it is. If you don't believe in psychobabble and are a hard "nut" to crack, read this book! I have looked down at psycholgists most of my life, like they settled on an "Easier" career because they weren't good enough for a "Real" one. Well I can honestly admit and apologize to any that I may have convinced, that I could not have been more from the truth.
I'm not going to switch careers or anything, but I now have a reference in wich to self reflect and "get a grip!"
So I have one of those life altering experiences. I go to Iraq as a reservist, spend sixteen months away from my wife and job, come back to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know if she can. PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression all in one. But other than the PTSD symptoms, all of the other things have constantly been in my life working mysteriously in the background.
I go to a shrink as my marriage has fallen apart and I have no one to talk to and she brings up Attachment. I have never heard of it, so the scientist in me wants to learn anything and everything before our next meeting. I next day this book and begin reading "my life away" online and in the book. Or more apropriately "reading my life back." I'm fitting into this mold that is everything I don't want to be, but am and jealous of the mold that is everything that I am not, I'm being divorced by a woman that has been hardening my mold for the last 5 years. This book altered my perspective on so many things. I identified with so many others. It gave me a framework and definitions for defense mechanisims like (passive agressiveness and sublimation), a way to look at my childhood, and although the odds are against me being Ambivalently Attached and seeking Secure Attachment, I can now somewhat accurately "self-reflect" on my life experiences.
I won't lie, reading the history was kind of drab (I read math books for a living that isn't much more exciting), but I can't say pick up this book and start with chapter 7 or something like that. The history gives you a working perspective, something like "at least that didn't happen to me" but then it starts to come into more practicable situations and you start to piece how you fit into the reading. Taking and owning what is yours and totally psychoanalyzing your friends and in my case the divorcing spouse.
The chapter that "WOW"d me the most was Chapter 26 Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. After I was able to piece the picture together of my life and what extent of the symptoms and other things in my life that have related to the entire book thus far. This chapter has given me some hope. Some hope of finding out who I really am and exploring my sloshing bucket of memories for what decisions I have made and what decisions I am making by trying X+Y=Z over and over again instead of tring something like B/Q=A.
This review still does not do this book justice, but I'll put it out there, but it is what it is. If you don't believe in psychobabble and are a hard "nut" to crack, read this book! I have looked down at psycholgists most of my life, like they settled on an "Easier" career because they weren't good enough for a "Real" one. Well I can honestly admit and apologize to any that I may have convinced, that I could not have been more from the truth.
I'm not going to switch careers or anything, but I now have a reference in wich to self reflect and "get a grip!"
reviewed by drvale on November 25, 2006 2:04 PM
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This book explained so much! Growing up with foster parents and no consistent parenting has made life confusing. Its been interesting to read that any adult, even the adults with the same parents from birth also have attachment issues. This is the first book I have found that explains how someone's childhood dramatically affects our ability to attach to our own children. Every parent I know wants to give their children their best and this book shows me how anyone understand ALL the sides of attachment disorder. Most of the books I have found have only explained why a child is not able to attach. What a relief to understand the whole subject.
reviewed by paradiselove on November 26, 2006 6:40 PM
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Karen's work reviews attatchment research and theory from inception through present day. It's a fascinating read as well, authored by a practitioner and teacher, one who interviewed the great minds that participated in creating a phenomenal view of child development. However, the back cover recommends it as a guide for parents, which it is not. Most parents would feel misled by finding a review of the field rather than recommended parenting skills or practice.
reviewed by speed5599 on November 27, 2006 11:51 AM
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My education is in Physics and Economics, so whatever psychological knowledge (or lack there of) I have is self-taught. Accordingly, please understand my review is from a perspective that is surely naive. That being said I found "Becoming Attached" so profound that it spawned a hunger in me too learn as much as I can about psychology that has continued unabated 2 years after I first read this book. Currently I am immersed in Carl Jung's original writings. If anyone wants a real understanding of how nurture influences individually psychology, I believe this to be an amazing starting point. Please note: this book is solid and dense, I would not read it if you are looking for something light and airy or are interested in the latest pop-psychology. It is for the serious novice. Since I am now a firm believer that nature and nurture work in combination to determine who we are individually, I also highly recommend reading the book "Moral Animal" by Robert Wright. "Moral Animal" is the perfect compliment to "Becoming Attached" and gives a very compelling introduction on how nature influences us.
reviewed by faithfulone on November 29, 2006 8:45 AM