Backtalk: 4 Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids 
asked by steelers on November 15, 2006 8:11 PM
Imagine this scenario. You pick up your son at school, and ask him how his day went. He says, "You always ask me that. Get a life, Mom." You feel hurt, insulted, frustrated. Silent, you drive him to band practice. In this scene, experts Audrey Ricker and Carolyn Crowder would argue that both of you lose. What is a better response? Tell Billy matter-of-factly that his comment was inappropriate, and that you aren't going to drive him to band practice. When he, suddenly more polite, tells you he has to go to band practice, you tell him he can practice the next day at school. You stand your ground, without arguing with him.
Backtalk--fairly easy to recognize--may be wrecking your family life. As flip or relatively harmless as it may seem, verbal rudeness gets in the way of real communication between parents and kids. It may be holding your children back at school, and ultimately in life. Ricker and Crowder have teamed up to create a four-step program--simple but not easy--to create a backtalk-free home. Through a large number of all-too-familiar-sounding sample "backtalk scenarios" and bullet-point lists, this book explains how to recognize backtalk for what it is, how to choose and enact a response that will make sense to you and your child, and when to disengage from the struggle and move forward. Whether your preschooler is saying "Bad Mommy" or your teenager is saying, "That's lame, Dad," Backtalk suggests ways for you to regain a sense of balance in your relationships with your children.
Reviews
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My book arrived yesterday afternoon, and today at lunchtime it's already having a positive effect. LOVE IT.
My daughter is smart and strong willed, so naturally she tries to assert her control over every interaction. The 4 Step program pointed out where we were failing to curb the disrespect; me, in letting her backtalk too long before enforcing the consequences, my husband in snapping angrily at her instantly, but not disengaging. The authors also do a great job illustrating what is backtalk and what is not. "You call this food?!" is backtalk. "Can I have a hotdog instead?" is not. My daughter wanted to read the book herself, but since she can't read yet, I read her the age-specific pages 65-66. (The principles are the same for all ages, but the kinds of consequences can range depending on the childs development. Sending a 5 year old to her room is different than sending a 15 year old.)
I don't think that being firm in handling disrespect (which is what backtalk is, really) contradicts a progressive, attachment-based parenting philosophy. Would you let a stranger clerk at a store call you a poopy head? You would handle the situation unemotionally, state your displeasure with the interaction, and leave the premises. (I don't like being spoken to in that way. I'll take my business elsewhere.) That's the gist of this program. "I don't like being spoken to in that way; it is disrespectful and unacceptable in this family. You may not go play at your friend's house like you had planned." And then disengage to remove the possibility of argument or negotiation. An attachment-based relationship requires respect from both parties, and it's not just OK, it's necessary for parents to require respect in order to model that to their kids.
My daughter is smart and strong willed, so naturally she tries to assert her control over every interaction. The 4 Step program pointed out where we were failing to curb the disrespect; me, in letting her backtalk too long before enforcing the consequences, my husband in snapping angrily at her instantly, but not disengaging. The authors also do a great job illustrating what is backtalk and what is not. "You call this food?!" is backtalk. "Can I have a hotdog instead?" is not. My daughter wanted to read the book herself, but since she can't read yet, I read her the age-specific pages 65-66. (The principles are the same for all ages, but the kinds of consequences can range depending on the childs development. Sending a 5 year old to her room is different than sending a 15 year old.)
I don't think that being firm in handling disrespect (which is what backtalk is, really) contradicts a progressive, attachment-based parenting philosophy. Would you let a stranger clerk at a store call you a poopy head? You would handle the situation unemotionally, state your displeasure with the interaction, and leave the premises. (I don't like being spoken to in that way. I'll take my business elsewhere.) That's the gist of this program. "I don't like being spoken to in that way; it is disrespectful and unacceptable in this family. You may not go play at your friend's house like you had planned." And then disengage to remove the possibility of argument or negotiation. An attachment-based relationship requires respect from both parties, and it's not just OK, it's necessary for parents to require respect in order to model that to their kids.
reviewed by iconfess on November 27, 2006 5:59 AM
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I picked this book up and got interested in the examples. This book helps people set limits in relationships. When it is parents and kids, the parents are responsible for setting and enforcing the limits, but it is also very useful for other relationships, for example if an adult has a difficult adult sibling. Their system is based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. If your home is unpleasant because of people -- any people -- talking or behaving rudely with one another, this book can help.
Frankly, part of the appeal of this book is seeing rude kids get their comeuppance and seeing lazy parents learn to make the home a pleasant place. The system is very simple but requires backbone and resolve on the part of the parent. It will not require being the endless disciplinarian once the kids realize you're serious. Of course, some parents will want to make a punishment out of the method, but watching their results and referring back to the book should help correct that.
Frankly, part of the appeal of this book is seeing rude kids get their comeuppance and seeing lazy parents learn to make the home a pleasant place. The system is very simple but requires backbone and resolve on the part of the parent. It will not require being the endless disciplinarian once the kids realize you're serious. Of course, some parents will want to make a punishment out of the method, but watching their results and referring back to the book should help correct that.
reviewed by glassysurf on November 28, 2006 8:11 AM
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In a way this book may come a shocker to some parents. It may seem too harsh. Well... You must rip the weeds out with the roots in order to save your beautiful lawn. I can say that this method works! It worked for me (and for my pre-teen children) and it worked for my friends (parents of teenage children).
It's tough to stick to it. You'll panic once in a while and you will doubt yourself. Don't. You're doing the right thing. You, your child and, ultimately, your relationship will benefit from it. Start "weeding out" the backtalk and stick to it.
It's tough to stick to it. You'll panic once in a while and you will doubt yourself. Don't. You're doing the right thing. You, your child and, ultimately, your relationship will benefit from it. Start "weeding out" the backtalk and stick to it.
reviewed by fazer on November 29, 2006 5:30 AM
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The book was a good review on the right way to handle "the mouth". It reinforced the methods I already use & I would highly recommend it for all parents of pre-teens & older.
reviewed by pits on November 29, 2006 8:12 AM